Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Otis Redding/archive4
- The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.
The article was not promoted by GrahamColm 23:31, 5 January 2013 [1].
Otis Redding[edit]
Otis Redding (edit | talk | history | protect | delete | links | watch | logs | views)
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I am nominating this for featured article because after receiving an excellent copyedit and making additional edits I definitely feel it is ready for the next step. Regards.Tomcat (7) 12:02, 4 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Forgot that I have another nomination. I will seach a co-nom.--Tomcat (7) 12:45, 4 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Oppose, 1a. The writing is very awkward and in some cases grammatically incorrect. It needs a thorough copyedit by someone fresh before it's ready for deeper examination. Misplaced modifying phrases are a prominent problem.
- Examples just from the lead:
- "he wrote and recorded "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay" with Steve Cropper, which became the first posthumous number-one record" The placement of the modifying phrase "which became the first posthumous number-one record" modifies Steve Cropper, which is not correct.
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- What is your suggestion then? "he wrote and recorded with Steve Cropper "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay"" is more awkward. Usually the object should go next to the predicate.--Tomcat (7) 13:27, 5 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Perhaps, "...he and Steve Cropper wrote and recorded..." —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 22:31, 5 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- "Born and raised in Georgia, United States, at age 15 Redding left school" Awkward and badly organized. "Redding" should follow the comma, since the modifying phrase refers to it.
- "He and his group first played small gigs in the South, then performed at the Whisky a Go Go nightclub, their first concert in the western United States." The modifying phrase "their first concert in the western United States" modifies "Whisky a Go Go nightclub"
- "His premature death devastated Stax, already on the verge of bankruptcy, which later discovered" Bankruptcy discovered?
- Other random pot shots:
- In the lead you state "he helped to craft the Stax Sound". Later you write that he "exemplified" the Stax Sound—these are not the same concept. Being an exemplar of something does not mean you helped craft it, or vice versa. Also, the "to" is not needed in that phrase.
- "He later worked as a well digger, gas station attendant and guest musician in the following years." Why do you need "later" and "in the following years"?
- I'm sorry but this seems a long way off. I have not looked at the sourcing other to than see that you integrated at least two of the sources suggested by Ling.Nut in the last FAC. However, the writing needs a lot of work. Peer Review and light copyediting won't do—many parts require rewriting. --Laser brain (talk) 03:35, 5 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Please wait before I search a co-nom. Thanks.--Tomcat (7) 11:18, 5 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- The article has recently received a good copyedit.--Tomcat (7) 11:20, 5 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- I don't understand what you mean by "search a co-nom". A co-nominator would have to be someone who substantially contributed to the article, and should be readily apparent if there was one. Based on your responses above, it seems that you do not understand the foundation of my comments. With all due respect, you will need to get someone more proficient in writing and grammar to go over the whole thing. If someone at GOCE either introduced or overlooked these and other errors, you will need to get someone else. Please withdraw this—it is not ready. --Laser brain (talk) 16:15, 5 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- The article has recently received a good copyedit.--Tomcat (7) 11:20, 5 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Please wait before I search a co-nom. Thanks.--Tomcat (7) 11:18, 5 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Oppose: Article needs to be proofread. Further problems include MOS:NUM inconsistencies (age fifteen, but age 19?). I'm not sure what to take of this: "In mid-1960, he moved to Los Angeles with his sister, Deborah, and wrote his first songs including "She's Allright", "Tuff Enuff" "Gamma Lamma". "Gettin' Hip". The latter was his first composition to be released as a single." Also, latter refers to the first of two items, not four. No hyphen in "Redding was well-paid at about $25 per gig" either. Those are stylistical and grammatical errors. There is general clarity and flow issues. For example, wouldn't "doubted" be more concise than "had doubts"? "He" is unneeded in "Redding was well-paid at about $25 per gig,[3][4] but he did not stay for long." and so is "as" in "As a member of Pat T. Cake and the Mighty Panthers, Redding toured the Southern United States on the Chitlin' circuit." Also, what is meant by "American pop music audience"? Pop music or popular music? —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 22:31, 5 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Closing comments - I am archiving this nomination for two reasons: First, it is out of process in that the nominator already has a FAC that is not ready to be closed. Second, it is clear from the reviews that the article is not ready for promotion and one reviewer has suggested withdrawal. Despite the admirable service that Guild of Copy Editors provide, they do not guarantee to achieve FA level prose. Graham Colm (talk) 23:28, 5 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.