User:Scott/Notes/Tuba

Tuba
Scientific classification
Domain:	disputed
Kingdom:	disputed

Copied from Yeanold Viskersenn (revision as of 04:01, 11 May 2006).

---

The tuba (no Latin name), is a large mollusc-like fungus found only in captivity. Although it resembles a goat, it is actually more closely related to the snail family. It resides at ground level, but is an excellent climber, owing to its powerful foot and mandible-like horns, often resting on walls and ceilings that predators cannot reach. They reached a peak during the Industrial Revolution thanks to their economic viability, but have since been reduced to purely domestic lives.

Characteristics and behaviour

Tubae produce two types of mucus: one which is thin and watery, and another which is thick and sticky. Both are hygroscopic. The thin mucus is spread out from the centre of the foot to the edges. The thick mucus spreads out from front to back. Mucus is very important to tubae as it helps them move around, and contains fibres which prevent the tuba from sliding down vertical surfaces. Mucus also provides protection against predators and helps retain moisture. Tubae can use slime cords to lower themselves on to the ground, or suspend from them during copulation.

The tuba is a sturdy, compact, well-balanced mollusc. It has a characteristic expression showing adoration and thirst, although when provoked it becomes a vicious, if somewhat ineffectual assailant.

In its natural habitat, the tuba can reportedly grow up to 2 metres in length, although recent domesticated breeds are smaller, usually no more than one metre in length.

Sight

Tubae were thought to be dichromats and thus, by human standards, colour blind. New research is now being explored that suggests that tubae may actually see some colour, but not to the extent that humans do. It has also been suggested that tubae see in varieties of green and pink shades.

Hearing

Although they appear to have ears, it is not known whether tubae can hear. Indeed, if they can, they appear to show no physical response to aural stimuli. A tuba might contract in size when exposed to low frequency bass sounds (below 70 Hz), however this may well be due to the tactile sensations produced by the sound vibrations.

Movement

Generally, tubae move like earthworms by alternating body contractions with stretching, at a proverbially low speed. However, when excited, a tuba can reach speeds of up to eight miles an hour by using its powerful foot to launch itself several inches into the air.

Taste

It is widely known that tubae can taste through their foot. However, it is a lesser known fact that tubae cannot physically move on slate - not because of any aversion to it's taste, but rather because of slate's unique anti-tuba properties. No tuba owners have offered their animals up for testing (the animals often hold communcal grudges against individuals), and so scientists have been forced to accept that the aversion is due to a long-running hereditary feud with Welsh miners.

Tubae as pets

Tubae are renowned for their friendly, faithful, playful, and affectionate natures. They are easily trained and make a good small to medium-sized family pet. Very few tubae have temperament problems; in a 2005 survey consisting of 1200 tubae, only 1% of the tubae were aggressive to people and 2% were aggressive to other tubae. Other pets, however, can present a problem, as the mucus secreted, while only a mild irritant to humans, has a chemical makeup that is lethal to dogs and certain other household pets due its chemical resemblance to chocolate.

Similarity to goats

Though visuaslly very similar to goats, to the point of causing occasional taxonomic confusion, tuba behaviour is quite different. Goats are primarily browsers like deer, eating branches and twigs, and tend to be quite territorial, whilst in the wild, tubae roam underground caves in search of mould, and tend to be very receptive and friendly towards intruders. Like goats, though, they have horns that continue to grow throughout their lifetime instead of antlers that fall off once a year. Also like goats, both male and female tubae grow horns, and both sexes can have beards. Tubae are herd animals and survive far better in a herd situation than alone. They are also much more lively than goats and their inquisitive nature makes them curious pets. Goats and tubae have the same horizontal slit pupil in their eyeballs.

Diet

The household tuba's diet usually consists purely of carpet mould

The tuba's diet consists entirely of mould, though very little of it is needed to sustain the tuba's energy. Tuba owners often keep a carpeted room in their house moist in order to encourage mould growth, and one medium-sized room's worth of carpet mould is usually more than enough to feed seven or eight tubae.

In extremely rare cases, often do to extreme hunger tubae have been known to hunt and kill small invertebrates, usually worms, slugs or snails, in an attempt to absorb nutrition from their carcasses. However, tubae are not normally a predatory species.

Dangerous substances

Although its diet is very simple, the tuba's reproductive system is remarkably robust, and there are documented cases of tubae consuming such items as eggshells, kitchen foil and even cutlery - however this behaviour is almost certainly the result of prolonged and rigorous training, as tubae are usually notoriously fussy eaters.

Cannibalism in Tubae

There has only been one documented case of cannibalism in tubae. However, the details of this case are restricted by the British Home Office, for fear of them being trained as killers by would-be assassins, who would be taking advantage of the fact that tubae are not legally animals.

Reproduction

Under low nutrient conditions tubae will form ascospores

Tubae can reproduce asexually through budding or sexually through the formation of ascospores. During asexual reproduction, a new bud grows out of the parent tuba when the condition is right, then, after the bud reaches an adult size, it separates from the parent tuba. Under low nutrient conditions tubae that are capable of sexual reproduction will form ascospores.

Sexual reproduction has never been witnessed by the scientific community, as tubae are very secretive creatures. In order for them to breed sexually, there needs to be complete privacy from all other animals. Bass-heavy sounds have been known to increase the chance of a successful pairing.

Lifespan

It is difficult to exactly determine the lifespan of a tuba due to its awkward biological classification. Although each tuba is an independent organism in itself, tubae always form part of a "family" or "hub" of six or seven others, and because of their unique sleeping behaviour, knowing which tuba is which, and thus how long a tuba has lived for is practically impossible. It can be said that a hub of tubae is theoretically immortal - environmental factors notwishtanding. Attempts to electronically tag tubae have resulted in the mysterious disappearance or disintegration of the tags, and so many researchers are reluctant to use this method, for fear of injuring their subject.

History

Detailed map of Mongolia showing the Hangayn Nuruu mountains from where the tuba is believed to have originated

Very little is known about the tuba since before its first documented sighting in Mongolia - but it is believed that tubae have been domesticated and farmed for their mucus for tens of thousands of years, and may well be the first such species to have been mastered by humans, far outdating the first livestock dabblings of the Pre-Pottery Neolithic B era - though this fact is often overlooked by history books due to the ongoing debate as to whether the tuba is actually an animal or not.

Indeed, tubae have not been know to exist in the wild since they were discovered in 1807 by British explorers trying to map the Hangayn Nuruu mountains. They were first spotted by the cultural attaché of the party, Realth Chalmers, who noted in his diary that, "I have never before seen a creature so perplexing...". After bartering with native tribes for one, they transported it back to Shanghai, only to have the salty conditions on the ship back to England degrade the animal to a point where it became scientifically and economically useless.

In the 1800s, tubae were imported from remote Mongolian tribes into Bavaria, where they quickly became established as a major crop due to their invaluable edible oils and proteins. Today, powdered tubae horns form the basis of many traditional Chinese medicines, and their mucus is often used in the production of rare varieties of Norwegian Jarlsberg cheese.

In most first world countries, a license is required to own and breed tubae, though oddly, there is no law against harming or killing them, as they are not legally defined as animals, but rather, fungi.

Cultural impact

Since the introduction of the tuba into Western society, its impact has been undeniably significant, yet curiously undocumented - indeed speculation is rife as to whether tubae actually exist - this is probably down to the infamous protectiveness of tuba owners and their unwillingness to share their tubae with the world.

There is a common urban legend that a tuba can be seen climbing up a window in the background of a scene in the 1987 film Three Men and a Baby. The so-called tuba was actually just a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson's character.

Trivia

• A tuba was once the unofficial mascot of the British submarine, HMS Tapir, as well as delaying the launch of the HMS Warspite (1913) by six hours, while a search of the bilges was performed. The creature was later found safe and well, floating near bilge pump number three.

• Tubae are pyschologically affected by the presence of the colour mauve. Although there are relatively few documented cases of this, the colour can in some cases cause them to emit a shrill, 'trilling' noise, although quite why this is or what purpose it serves has eluded tuba breeders for centuries.

• In 1982, British naturalist and television presenter David Attenborough was famously injured by a tuba (although the tuba meant no harm, playfully pouncing on Attenborough's leg, he suffered a rare reaction to the tuba's mucus which caused his skin to blister and eventually crack), during the filming of a BBC documentary, and has since refused to have any involvement in tuba-related broadcasting.

• Since the year 2000, only 15 new licences have been applied for in the British Commonwealth - tuba breeding is thought to be a close-knit, xenophobic hobby. There have been several instances of violence reported to the police involving tuba breeders within recent years, although only a portion of these are thought to be tuba-related.

• Although unable to swim as such, tubae can survive for prolonged periods of time in water due to the buoyancy provided by their contraflactual air sacs.

• The media most recently came into contact with tubae in 2004, when one maliciously attacked TV personality Richard Blackwood without provocation. Blackwood reportedly dived to the ground and retracted into a shivering ball (he had heard that this would dispel the tuba's rage, this is not the case however).