User:MartinSchaeferhund/sandbox
Battle of the Rye Toast[edit]
| Battle of the Rye Toast | |||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Part of the Spaghetti War | |||||||||
| |||||||||
| Belligerents | |||||||||
|
Homo Sapiens Theria Homo Sapiens | Musca Domesticata | ||||||||
| Commanders and leaders | |||||||||
 Martin Schäfer  Emiliano Taito |
 Winged Bastard Cunt | ||||||||
| Strength | |||||||||
|
1 infantry 2 improvised swatters Aerosol deodorant | 1 biological aircraft | ||||||||
| Casualties and losses | |||||||||
|
Glass of water Half my sanity | That disease-ridden bastard (RIP bozo) | ||||||||
| Winged Bastard Cunt was not killed by the opposing side, but instead flew into a nearby glass of water drowning itself. | |||||||||
The Battle of the Rye Toast was a military campaign in Schäfer's bedroom from 11:07pm 13 January to 12:10am 14 January 2024. Winged Bastard Cunt sought to eat the butter from Schäfer's spaghetti on toast.
Background[edit]
Winged Bastard Cunt had flown into Schäfer's bedroom at 10:04, attracted by the light from two computer monitors, and a standing lamp atop Schäfer's desk. It harassed Schäfer by repeatedly landing on them and flying infront of their face. Schäfer sprayed deodorant in the atmosphere surrounding their desk in an attempt to keep Winged Bastard Cunt away, it worked for only the following ten minutes. At 11:07 Schäfer brought a bowl of spaghetti and a plate with four pieces of buttered toast to their desk with the intention of eating both.
Battle[edit]
Immediately following spaghetti and buttered toast being brough to Schäfer's desk Winged Bastard Cunt made attempts to land on and consume the toast. Each attempt was thwarted by Schäfer by waving their hands around their toast. Schäfer had assembled an improvised fly swatter using a sealing stick and empty potato chip packet folded to be smaller at 11:20pm, however the head of the swatter did not have any holes and as such the movement of air pushed Winged Bastard Cunt out from under it each attempt. Schäfer then corresponded with their chief advisor, Taito, discussing the failure of the improvised swatter. Upon suggestion from Taito to create holes in the head of the swatter at 11:29pm Schäfer assembled a new one using the same sealing stick and a square of cardboard cut from an empty chocolate box with holes poked in it using scissors. Repeated failed attempts led Schäfer to employ a new strategy, they turned off their lamp so Winged Bastard Cunt would land on the computer monitors, improving their vision on the target. At 12:10am Winged Bastard Cunt had flown into a glass of water near the larger of the monitors. With no remaining forces able to fight within the bedroom Musca Domesticata had been defeated.
Aftermath[edit]
Upon discovery of the still drowning Winged Bastard Cunt, Schäfer took the glass of water it was in and poured it down the kitchen sink. Winged bastard Cunt managed to avoid going down the drain, but with wings still wet was unable to fly out of the basin, and was savagely killed by Schäfer.